I have a disease ... but it doesn't have ME

I have a disease called Alcoholism and I became addicted to drugs as well.



How do I know I have the disease?


After many years of self destructive behavior and willingly giving up ALL I had in order to drink freely, I conducted a simple test on myself. I had not had a drink in a couple days and I was a little cranky about that. I followed my ex to a bar where his boss was buying the drinks. I walked in angry and asked if they were having a good time (sarcastically of course). The boss offered me a drink and because I was playing the role of “I can quit on my own and I have”, I declined the drink. In that same moment I reached across the table and snatched my ex’s straight shot of Quervo and drank it down. I just didn’t want HIM to have it, so I took it. I turned and left the bar without having anything else to drink. I sat in my car for a few minutes and the strangest thing happened. I FELT that single drink run through every vein in my body. I felt how it warmed every inch of its path. I FELT IT. Then, I FELT the NEED for another one! I didn’t just WANT one ... I knew that my body NEEDED another one in order to complete the cycle it was trying to make. I denied my body that second drink and I experienced some very uncomfortable physical feelings for the next several hours. I FELT THE PHYSICAL ADDICTION.


Soon after that, I found myself on the dirt floor of the camper trailer I was staying in. I had successfully reached my bottom. I refer to it as successful, because I was still ALIVE to get there. I sobbed. I cried out in complete and utter desperation to the God of my childhood. I begged Him to save me from the world I had created for myself by denying His existence in my life. I remained on that dirt floor crying until dawn. It is a night I will NEVER forget as long as I live and I relive it frequently. I share it just as often. People may get tired of hearing about it or reading it, but the miracle of it has never faded for me.


The next morning, I stood up, opened the door and looked at the world completely differently than I had the day before. I KNEW in my SOUL that God had heard my plea and in that same moment He answered it, cleansed me, and set me free. I came out of that camper with NO DESIRE to drink and NO DESIRE to seek drugs. I didn’t even check the forest floor looking for the $300.00 worth of meth I had tossed out in my time of prayer.


You see, I AM a MIRACLE! I did not suffer withdrawals like so many do … I did not struggle with fighting the temptation of just stopping by to visit old “friends”. God completely REMOVED all of that for me!


I was still at an enormous loss as to what I was going to do with my life, but I was confident in my spiritual experience and I KNEW that God had lifted me for a reason. I had no clue what to do next, but I had the gift of childlike faith … BLIND FAITH. I trusted Him, who has ALL power!


Little by little I learned how to walk again. I learned how to get a job, and how to shower, and brush my teeth every day. I learned how to simply say “Hi” to people in the store, although I didn’t do that often, because I still carried so much shame and guilt for what I had become.


Eventually I was led to AA and a whole new world was revealed to me. ANSWERS!! Principles to PRACTICE! Simple rules to apply to my daily life, and seek to serve others whenever possible. Wow! I even get to be of HELP to someone else! I WAS HOME!!!


I got involved as much as possible. I joined activity committees, Speaker committees, Public Information committees, and MORE. I saw to it that I didn’t have TIME to drink, even if I wanted to!


Here I am 13+ years later and I STILL have NO DESIRE to drink or use drugs! NONE! It’s not something I fear and it’s not something I think about. I don’t even hang out with people that drink. Not because I have something against people that drink … I just don’t seem to attract them like I used to. The family members that still drink are not judged by me and when they reach “hammered”, I politely excuse myself and head home with hugs, kisses, and “I Love You’s”.


Today I discovered that I no longer have the desire to be NAMED an alcoholic or addict. I have the disease. I know it and people that know me know it. I refuse to make it WHAT I AM. I am well aware that I am not able to take any alcohol (or non prescribed drugs) into my system. If I choose to do so, I am inviting my disease to come out of remission. I do take medications under the care of my doctor today, and I take them just like any regular person would … AS PRESCRIBED or LESS.


I’m tired of being looked at differently because I chose to LABEL myself when I introduced myself. Today the people I meet would have NO IDEA of my past. Why do I feel it necessary to let them know what I “REALLY AM”. That seems stupid today. I do not behave the way I used to, I do not sell my values and beliefs short today. I am doing what AA asked me to do … I help others, I am an productive member of society, I am a Mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and I am an active member of my church. The people in my church that have spent the last 2 years getting to know me … prayed for me at my Mothers request while I was still “out there”. However, NONE of them have ever seen me in my active disease. They do not know “That Tammy”. They know and love the one that shows up today. They happen to enjoy my sense of humor and love that I want to be involved. I enjoy being the person that created and updates the church directory. I enjoy helping to prepare and/or organizing meals for people that are ill, recovering from surgery, or bringing a new baby home. The only one that holds me hostage to my past today, is ME.


I agreed in the beginning to let go of wanting to be terminally unique. Why should I hold onto to being unique just because I have a disease? This is a disease that tells me I don’t have it. However, God and I know that I do and we also know what is required to keep it in remission.


I think from now on, I will save MY STORY for my own personal journals and to share my experiences when I see someone asking for help in an area that I have come through victoriously. I no longer need to FIT IT with the people that thrive on using alcoholism and/or addiction to justify bad behavior.


I am emotionally immature and growing all the time. But so are other people that don’t share my disease. So even THAT does not make me unique on this planet. I’m just another woman that made some sucky choices in her younger days … continued to make some sucky choices into adulthood and then was literally BLESSED by a MIRACLE that allowed her to take another shot at doing things differently. Still not perfectly, but I won’t hide behind the “progress rather than perfection” BS either. Slogans are great when applied in an essence to help, but they are also abused as justification to act poorly.


Today, I’m just Tammy. Another child of God wandering around with the experiences she has experienced, and the ultimate goal is to find my way Home to sit next to my Heavenly Father. I pray on the day I take my last breath, I have done what was required.

Rough start to a gorgeous day ...

Terry and Haleigh got hit by some nasty flu type bug last night …

So I ended up sleeping in the recliner chair (great for my back btw) while Haleigh slept on the couch and Dani slept in the bed with Terry. There were several times throughout the night that Haleigh was certain we could BOTH sleep in the chair together. It’s so hard to explain to her that she is not tiny anymore, and Mommy is far from it.

Puppy got me up at 2am to pee. I didn’t sleep worth a darn in that chair and both girls got up at 6 asking for breakfast.

I stumbled to their bedroom and popped in the movie Pocahontas, and asked them to watch the movie for awhile since it’s still DARK outside. That didn’t pan out so well. For the most part they were pretty good. They just wanted me up … both of them started climbing all over me along with the puppy. The puppy got herself on top of my head and stuck in my hair!!!

I made an appeal to the girls, while holding back the tears, that Mommy’s back hurts really bad and could they please just give me some time to get up. They responded well to that and asked if they could get a banana. Great idea, I thought. “Sure! That sound like a good idea Haleigh, thank you.”

A few moments later, I see Charlie and Ginger fighting over what appears to be a mangled banana peel. I calmly asked Haleigh to come get it, and she replied “Sure Mom, just as soon as I finish cleaning the table”. Still mostly asleep, I said “Ok Honey”.

Then, my eyes popped right open! It clicked! Cleaning the table? With what? So enters the first prayer of my day … “Lord Help Me”.

I get up to discover she has finished with the table and is now using paper towels to clean up the wet floor. It’s soaked! I asked her what she was using to help with the cleaning this morning and she proudly ran and grabbed the spray bottle of … are you ready for this? …. Bitter Barrier! For those of you that are not familiar, it is the spray used to detour puppies from chewing on furniture, shoes, etc. It is horrible tasting stuff!

I quickly cleaned up all that I could see, including the large puddle she had missed on the table. I poured myself a cup of luke-warm coffee and began microwaving this morning’s breakfast (Sausage, potatoes, scrambled eggs, and cheese).

They got up to the table and promptly discovered that EVERYTHING tastes icky! Dani begins spitting into her bowl, Haleighs’ eyes are watering and she starts looking for a bucket to spit in, and I sit here shaking my head in disbelief of how much can really happen in a mere 20 minutes of a lifetime.